Embrace the Change

Mark will always be my rainbow baby – the baby who came after the storm of losing a child. He brought hope during a time that I questioned God, and he reminded me that I could be happy again. With Arthur came more confidence in my parenting abilities. It is a confidence that has allowed me to appreciate each small milestone rather than stress about each little concerning symptom like I did with Mark. Parenting Arthur in these early months has been a completely different experience than parenting Mark.

I was told that this would be the case, but I didn’t truly believe it until I took both kids to the playground last month for the first time since Arthur was born. When Mark was that young, I would stress and plan for every scenario before working up the courage to actually put him in the car seat and leave the house by myself. The first time I ever attempted it, he spit up everywhere before I even made it out the door. I remember sitting on the couch feeling completely defeated and wondering if I would ever go anywhere again.

This past week, however, found me driving across the state solo with both boys to visit grandparents. Never in a million years did I think I would have the confidence to deal with a breastfeeding infant and feisty toddler by myself for an extended drive. After arriving back home a week later, I sat on the coach and thought to myself, “I just did that and didn’t even think twice about it!” Parenting really does change us.

How does being a parent to a child in heaven change us? Isabelle never took her first steps, learned to talk, spit up all over the place, or refused to nap. She never had those types of experiences that would give me more confidence with parenting her brother. Yet I grew in different ways from being her mommy here on earth for such a brief time.

I learned that being a parent allowed my heart to love more than I ever thought possible. The pain of grieving her is a continual reminder of just how strong a parent’s love is for their child. I learned patience when I felt like I should be holding a little baby, yet mine was no longer with me. I learned that parenthood usually follows a different, more unexpected path than what we plan. I learned that being a parent requires a tremendous amount of trust in God and a whole lot of prayer.

Although I gained confidence in my parenting abilities with the boys, it is being Isabelle’s mommy that taught me how humbling being a parent can be. I had plans and expectations for her life. I thought I had figured it all out before she even arrived. Yet my plans for her were completely derailed, and she now plays a very different role in our family. My parenting journey has not been quite as I expected, but I am thankful for how each of my three children have molded me into a better person.