I recently took Mark to the grocery store while Arthur hung out at home with Matt. Mark giggled and joked with me as we walked, hand-in-hand across the parking lot towards the store. As we neared the entrance, a man yelled from a few yards away, “Do you know what the next one is going to be?” I felt humiliated as a dozen people from around the parking lot stared at a part of my body that I am very self-conscious about – my postpartum stomach. Acutely aware that Mark was watching me, I tried my hardest to muster a smile and said back, “I am not pregnant.” There was, however, a whole list of very unchristian things that I would have rather said. I looked straight forward and tried not to make contact with the eyes still staring uncomfortably at me as we walked into the store.
Many have no idea the wave of emotions such a comment can provoke. A woman’s body and fertility are very sensitive subjects that should be approached with caution and not shouted about across a parking lot. Because here is the reality…
1 in 4 women have experienced pregnancy or infant loss.
That means that 25% of the women you encounter daily – a sister, an aunt, a coworker, a friend, a complete stranger – have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.
That means that asking a woman, who may or may not be pregnant, about a pregnancy means that:
-She may have just miscarried and be silently dealing with it.
-She may have just lost a child late in pregnancy.
-She may be dealing with infertility or repeated pregnancy loss and wish that she was pregnant.
-She may have recently held her newborn as the baby took his/her last breath. Her body may still look pregnant and is now a constant reminder of her loss.
Four years ago, I sat in a nail salon getting a pedicure with a few family members. A week earlier, I had suddenly lost my first-born child. In an attempt to distract my mind a bit, I had reluctantly agreed to tag along on the outing. For a few moments I had actually managed to relax a bit and was slightly distracted from the all-consuming grief. Then a woman who worked there shattered my entire afternoon. She asked when my baby was due. I looked down at my post-partum belly and was once again completely aware of my empty tummy. I put on my bravest face and told her I was not pregnant. After returning home later, I sobbed in the bathroom.
You never know what a woman has dealt with, so always approach questions about pregnancy with extreme caution.
I share these stories today because October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This month we raise awareness of the 1 in 4 women who have experienced a loss. Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I hope that through opening up a dialogue about this topic that we can not only help women to heal but also help deter people from making comments that, although maybe well-intentioned, may cause further pain for those grieving.
If you know that a friend has experienced a loss, here are a few tips:
1.) Be available to talk when she is ready. Ask her to grab coffee or go for a walk. She may decline the invitation or accept it but not want to talk about the loss. Simply make yourself available.
2.) Do not call the child “it.” Use the word “baby” or the child’s name. This acknowledges the life that she carried and can be very healing for the mom.
3.) Acknowledge her motherhood. Send a card or email on the child’s birthday and on Mother’s Day. These can be very difficult times for a grieving mother.
4.) Do not ask for details about the loss. Instead, let her share details when she is ready.
5.) Consider making a donation to a charity in memory of the child. One of my personal favorites is Molly Bears.
6.) Participate in the Wave of Light at 7pm on Monday, October 15. Simply light a candle for all the sweet babies in heaven, snap a picture, and share it on social media to help remove the stigma that comes with pregnancy and infant loss. Be sure to include #WaveOfLight. Loss is an uncomfortable topic, but talking about it helps those who are grieving to move forward and to know that they are not alone on their grieving journey.
For more ideas on how to support a friend who has lost a child, check out this blog post I wrote in 2016.
